i've again brought up all the huge ways my b/fs been a huge selfish asshole. because i am a coward and still seem to love the guy, i have yet to confront him. aand the sun is rising. yes. also i have no job, make roughly 60 bucks a paycheck and the measly wage i get from child rearing is 3 weeks behind.
[5am]
*wtf? how did i make that little last check?? D:
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Monday, 9 May 2011
I miss my Dad!!!
Last night,
He lives four hours away. And it's so hard to go down there, emotionally, because his 2nd wife is leaving him. and i still don't know why .
///
I'm so tired, but i want to be sure i'm exhausted before i go to sleep, no thinking tonight
He lives four hours away. And it's so hard to go down there, emotionally, because his 2nd wife is leaving him. and i still don't know why .
///
I'm so tired, but i want to be sure i'm exhausted before i go to sleep, no thinking tonight
Friday, 6 May 2011
A thought
do all boys have the same smile? When they know they've said something they'll get in trouble in, but it was just too good, too funny, not to say it? It's the one where they have their head down, but they're looking up at you and grinning. And i don't mean boys as in young. my father and my boyfriend have it, strangely enough. i like it.
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
God...
I feel very awkward in my relationship with 'GOD.' I don't really have one. I was not raised Catholic. Or anything else really. My mother decided to send me to Catholic school when I was in grade two. I'm glad she did. She says she did it so I would know why we celebrate Christmas and Easter really. I think she was maybe hoping I would find faith as well.
I remember learning about Jesus, it was so funny looking back. I was in total awe, how did I not know of this man before!! It was also a little scary, always, everywhere? One day I realized that it was just another story. I was sorely disappointed. I am not sure when, but I think it was that very year I realized this, at least, to me. I don't know what made me think it was just a story.
This is also awkward for me to write, to organize my thoughts without jumping around everywhere.
My faith shifted all through elementary and through high school. I went to catholic high school until grade 12 as well. But I still love holy places, and still feel that they are holy. Churches, and even the, awh what was it called, at school, where we would pray. The lighting was lovely and it was carpeted everywhere. There were two massive steps. A few lunches me and my friend just lied in there, talking quietly about our faith, what we didn't have, yet how we felt s o m e t h i n g.
And then this lovely lady came along. I was in grade... 3. I think. She and my dad fell in love. And the bible would call her a witch. She is a reiki and reflexology master. Which means she's a witch doctor hahaha. She talks about the power of stones, of chakras and tarot cards. I'm not so sure about the chakras and some how have gone all this time without a treatment. Okay, that's a lie. For a while there I struggled with the nastiness of plantar warts. anywho. But this one time, i was in sooo much pain. like, i was in tears all of the sudden. she takes off my sock, rubs my foot, and poof! i felt better in two minutes. when my mum picked me up at the door, she asked her if i had any bowel problems. uhh, why yes, yes she does.
I wanted to feel rock power (ha ha) for a long time, but never could. Last summer she picked up some 'dirty' stones, still having some bad energy in it, that's what it did, took out some sort of bad energy from who ever was wearing it. anyway, she bought it second hand. told us to feel it before she cleaned it. I started feeling a little queasy! I hated that thing!! It was crazy weird. She cleaned it, and it, well, i don't remember how it felt. Another time, she handed me a rock and we were chatting, i looked down, and my hand was so sweaty! The other was fine, my hand wasn't clenched over the rock or anything.
Anyway. The point is I had a problem with the church condemning a person who healed and helped people. She ran a business in the basement of my dads house (i miss that house) and I would personally see people getting better with her help, no doctors involved.
It wasn't fire and brimstone kind of school. But it was close enough I guess. Maybe I just have a problem with organized religion you may be thinking? Well. I don't know. I just don't. I don't know if I believe in a One and True God. Or what section of that category I would fall into. Catholic, Muslim, Jewish. I don't know. I've felt things in rocks, in churches, those twisted trees above, which I was not expecting. They gave me a big head rush, like I had stood up too quickly.
I just don't know. But if there is one god, and that god is any of the three i listed, i don't think we are on good terms.
Not that I'm a big floozy, one sex partner, still around. But we aren't married. I've had some awful thoughts, I've done some mean things. Never killed anything. I just. Like I said, I feel awkward with the concept of God, I think. I would like to believe, to have that kind of faith. It's just not here. Oh, and check this out Qigong Master. Monks can also lower their metabolism 64 percent!! While sleeping, yours only drops 10 or 15. So far, from what I've read, I like monks. Not just because of that, but they do seem way cooler than saints! XD
Speaking of which, praying to patron saints for help or guidance in a specific field, like travel for a safe journey, sounds a lot like the various Greek gods. Just saying. Really though, when you think about it.
Karma, that's supposed to be bad too. But God works in mysterious ways. How is it that the idea of karma, not to the next life extent, can not apply?
For the record, I live in Canada, and Catholic sex ed is very good. I was talking to a friend I made in public school, and if i remember correctly, we actually learn the basics way before them. We learn the anatomy and what not of it in grade five. Fully Alive it's called. I think it was a fine way to learn. We were split up for the first year. In grade 8 we talked about the pros and cons of dating and about gender stereotypes. In highschool there is Teen Aid, and that carries on I thiink until grade 12. I never finished :P Although abstinence is pushed, we were not lied to in anyway, unless you believe all the bible teaches you and that if you abort a baby you probably are going to hell. Speaking of which, that was the one awful thing they did do, the aborting section. They pushed for adoption in the event of teen pregnancy.
I hope to one day find my faith.
(oh, btw, reiki is healing through energies and reflexology is the idea that every part of your body has a counterpart on your foot. if you hadn't already googled it)
I remember learning about Jesus, it was so funny looking back. I was in total awe, how did I not know of this man before!! It was also a little scary, always, everywhere? One day I realized that it was just another story. I was sorely disappointed. I am not sure when, but I think it was that very year I realized this, at least, to me. I don't know what made me think it was just a story.
 |
| Found here, based off of the 'Twisted Trees' found in Sask. |
This is also awkward for me to write, to organize my thoughts without jumping around everywhere.
My faith shifted all through elementary and through high school. I went to catholic high school until grade 12 as well. But I still love holy places, and still feel that they are holy. Churches, and even the, awh what was it called, at school, where we would pray. The lighting was lovely and it was carpeted everywhere. There were two massive steps. A few lunches me and my friend just lied in there, talking quietly about our faith, what we didn't have, yet how we felt s o m e t h i n g.
And then this lovely lady came along. I was in grade... 3. I think. She and my dad fell in love. And the bible would call her a witch. She is a reiki and reflexology master. Which means she's a witch doctor hahaha. She talks about the power of stones, of chakras and tarot cards. I'm not so sure about the chakras and some how have gone all this time without a treatment. Okay, that's a lie. For a while there I struggled with the nastiness of plantar warts. anywho. But this one time, i was in sooo much pain. like, i was in tears all of the sudden. she takes off my sock, rubs my foot, and poof! i felt better in two minutes. when my mum picked me up at the door, she asked her if i had any bowel problems. uhh, why yes, yes she does.
I wanted to feel rock power (ha ha) for a long time, but never could. Last summer she picked up some 'dirty' stones, still having some bad energy in it, that's what it did, took out some sort of bad energy from who ever was wearing it. anyway, she bought it second hand. told us to feel it before she cleaned it. I started feeling a little queasy! I hated that thing!! It was crazy weird. She cleaned it, and it, well, i don't remember how it felt. Another time, she handed me a rock and we were chatting, i looked down, and my hand was so sweaty! The other was fine, my hand wasn't clenched over the rock or anything.
Anyway. The point is I had a problem with the church condemning a person who healed and helped people. She ran a business in the basement of my dads house (i miss that house) and I would personally see people getting better with her help, no doctors involved.
It wasn't fire and brimstone kind of school. But it was close enough I guess. Maybe I just have a problem with organized religion you may be thinking? Well. I don't know. I just don't. I don't know if I believe in a One and True God. Or what section of that category I would fall into. Catholic, Muslim, Jewish. I don't know. I've felt things in rocks, in churches, those twisted trees above, which I was not expecting. They gave me a big head rush, like I had stood up too quickly.
I just don't know. But if there is one god, and that god is any of the three i listed, i don't think we are on good terms.
Not that I'm a big floozy, one sex partner, still around. But we aren't married. I've had some awful thoughts, I've done some mean things. Never killed anything. I just. Like I said, I feel awkward with the concept of God, I think. I would like to believe, to have that kind of faith. It's just not here. Oh, and check this out Qigong Master. Monks can also lower their metabolism 64 percent!! While sleeping, yours only drops 10 or 15. So far, from what I've read, I like monks. Not just because of that, but they do seem way cooler than saints! XD
Speaking of which, praying to patron saints for help or guidance in a specific field, like travel for a safe journey, sounds a lot like the various Greek gods. Just saying. Really though, when you think about it.
Karma, that's supposed to be bad too. But God works in mysterious ways. How is it that the idea of karma, not to the next life extent, can not apply?
For the record, I live in Canada, and Catholic sex ed is very good. I was talking to a friend I made in public school, and if i remember correctly, we actually learn the basics way before them. We learn the anatomy and what not of it in grade five. Fully Alive it's called. I think it was a fine way to learn. We were split up for the first year. In grade 8 we talked about the pros and cons of dating and about gender stereotypes. In highschool there is Teen Aid, and that carries on I thiink until grade 12. I never finished :P Although abstinence is pushed, we were not lied to in anyway, unless you believe all the bible teaches you and that if you abort a baby you probably are going to hell. Speaking of which, that was the one awful thing they did do, the aborting section. They pushed for adoption in the event of teen pregnancy.
I hope to one day find my faith.
(oh, btw, reiki is healing through energies and reflexology is the idea that every part of your body has a counterpart on your foot. if you hadn't already googled it)
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Child Rearing.
The joys of sitting. right now i'm watching the most stubborn little girl on the planet. she once sit alone in time out for 2 hours because she wouldn't wipe up jello. she put it there to see if the cat would eat it. the only reason time out ended was because my friend got sick of waiting, set her down in front of the jello, wiped it up (my friend) and said, see how long that took? the little girl flipped shit.
I'm not one of those weird people who like to sit children. I mean my sister, sure. but i love that kid. i mean, if i love them sure. i was just helping out my mum's friend who was in a tough spot. i figured two weeks, maybe a month. no. it's been... god how long has it been? two months. it's only 4 days a week. but, i am getting paid 2 dollars per child per hour. is that really even enough to feed them?! i mean, honestly, that's like a days pay right there. i went to buy them some toys, when i realized that would be a days' pay right there and that they cna keep themselves occupied well enough. besides, there's movies from the library :P anyway. so it's a four year, sorry, almost four year old little girl who's still in pull-ups and her big bro who's 9. it's been a while since that incident and they've warmed up since and like it here now. Myrr, the little girl, actually talks to me and calls me by my name now. Tyn talks too much about video games i could give a shit about. i mean, he;s a nice kid and a really great brother, but i do not care about Need For Speed. Really.
The little girl steals and instead of pee and poo says shit and piss. but that's because of her charming, warm father. I've never met the guy, but i do not like him. he also steals, as does daddy's little girl. he obviously favours her, she states what she wants adn thinks she'll get it. she's only now excusing herself. tells me about her poop. and when her brother is talking and she interrupts, he just stops.
I've got a job interview tomorrow though. and it's not like i could help the woman out and work. it's 4-9. the work i want is 8 hours and not starting at 7. Anyway. i would like to finish watching Mulan, but Myrr wouldn't eat her supper. so i guess i will watch the Hard Times of RJ Berger on my laptop or something.
Also, she used to be mean to my kitten. and talks about shooting things a lot.
I'm not one of those weird people who like to sit children. I mean my sister, sure. but i love that kid. i mean, if i love them sure. i was just helping out my mum's friend who was in a tough spot. i figured two weeks, maybe a month. no. it's been... god how long has it been? two months. it's only 4 days a week. but, i am getting paid 2 dollars per child per hour. is that really even enough to feed them?! i mean, honestly, that's like a days pay right there. i went to buy them some toys, when i realized that would be a days' pay right there and that they cna keep themselves occupied well enough. besides, there's movies from the library :P anyway. so it's a four year, sorry, almost four year old little girl who's still in pull-ups and her big bro who's 9. it's been a while since that incident and they've warmed up since and like it here now. Myrr, the little girl, actually talks to me and calls me by my name now. Tyn talks too much about video games i could give a shit about. i mean, he;s a nice kid and a really great brother, but i do not care about Need For Speed. Really.
The little girl steals and instead of pee and poo says shit and piss. but that's because of her charming, warm father. I've never met the guy, but i do not like him. he also steals, as does daddy's little girl. he obviously favours her, she states what she wants adn thinks she'll get it. she's only now excusing herself. tells me about her poop. and when her brother is talking and she interrupts, he just stops.
I've got a job interview tomorrow though. and it's not like i could help the woman out and work. it's 4-9. the work i want is 8 hours and not starting at 7. Anyway. i would like to finish watching Mulan, but Myrr wouldn't eat her supper. so i guess i will watch the Hard Times of RJ Berger on my laptop or something.
Also, she used to be mean to my kitten. and talks about shooting things a lot.
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