It's always the little things...

     It’s always the little things… My best friend eating the pepperonis off of a piece of pizza just in time for my second piece. The pause and six guitar notes in my favourite song that I close my eyes to every time. And the bowl of noodles and vegetables left on the kitchen counter that tell my mother was playing down the severity of taking my grandma to the hospital.

    I'm worried. My grandma has had so many blood transfusions since her first in December, right near Christmas time. I want to say twelve, but fuck that's a lot. I'm feeling scared. They don't know where the blood is going to. They were going to find out but let her out of the hospital 3 days after her double transfusion instead. I was very angry.

     It's also my above friend's grad tomorrow.

no i'm not happy.

i'm sad. i just feel gloomy. i don't know where i'm going in life, i'm lost. i'm wasting my days. this is how i feel.

  i don't know what i'm going to do, go to my dad's or not, lose my job that i love but make some good memories. a job i only work once a week at.

  I'm restless.

 I'm sad. My boyfriend disappoints me. i'm just dull. not boring, i'm scuffed and the opposite of shiny.

   I'm thinking of taking International Studies. no, i am taking International Studies.

anyway. just fragments.


[my photos]

Tom

  I have a new friend, and he's taught me a lot in the couple nights we've been talking over facebook. A lot of hours though. Like... about 8. He is honest about everything, because why lie about any aspect of yourself when people are just going to assume the worst? is his view. i don't think assume the worst, but they will assume. He has changed a lot since I hardly knew him in grade nine. We have both been out of high school (oh, in Canada high school is gr. 9-12) for a year now. He's now a dj in a city, don't know, hours away. In gr. 9 we both had crushes on each other, but he was terrified of girls. Now he's a total player, for lack of better word. Man- slut? It's pretty awesome, because he total is open and it's very interesting to have complete clearance of a guy's brain. I know that some are different, but still. I'm still not sure what he's taught me quite yet. I think I'm still processing it. He's unapologetic, and he's pretty open that, yeah, given the chance he would bone me, but he still talks to me knowing I have a bf. Which doesn't always happen for me. He's the second guy friend I have, not including my bf, who does not count obviously. He hasn't stated that he'd bone me, although he's said that about other girls. He's admitted he's addicted to sex. I asked, as in average 19 year old guy addicted or addicted? He said addicted. High school was a shitty time for him and was full of fake people working only towards popularity and willing to do anything for that. Girls didn't like him until after he graduated, which he found annoying. He tells them what he knows they want to hear.

  He really does not sound like a guy I would be friends with, but he's very interesting. He's smart too. And going through some really shitty times. He works 12-5am. 5:30? which is when i've been talking to him. and works alone. So he hardly sees people. His days off are tuesday and weds. He has no friends in his city. No family. But he loves his job. He never talks to his room mates, they hate that he smokes weed. apparently he's crazy good in bed and girls just want to get with him.

   Anyway, I;ve stayed up late a couple nights in a row talking to him, so I think I should go to bed and read for a bit now :P It's 1:34 here.