It's always the little things...

     It’s always the little things… My best friend eating the pepperonis off of a piece of pizza just in time for my second piece. The pause and six guitar notes in my favourite song that I close my eyes to every time. And the bowl of noodles and vegetables left on the kitchen counter that tell my mother was playing down the severity of taking my grandma to the hospital.

    I'm worried. My grandma has had so many blood transfusions since her first in December, right near Christmas time. I want to say twelve, but fuck that's a lot. I'm feeling scared. They don't know where the blood is going to. They were going to find out but let her out of the hospital 3 days after her double transfusion instead. I was very angry.

     It's also my above friend's grad tomorrow.

no i'm not happy.

i'm sad. i just feel gloomy. i don't know where i'm going in life, i'm lost. i'm wasting my days. this is how i feel.

  i don't know what i'm going to do, go to my dad's or not, lose my job that i love but make some good memories. a job i only work once a week at.

  I'm restless.

 I'm sad. My boyfriend disappoints me. i'm just dull. not boring, i'm scuffed and the opposite of shiny.

   I'm thinking of taking International Studies. no, i am taking International Studies.

anyway. just fragments.


[my photos]

Tom

  I have a new friend, and he's taught me a lot in the couple nights we've been talking over facebook. A lot of hours though. Like... about 8. He is honest about everything, because why lie about any aspect of yourself when people are just going to assume the worst? is his view. i don't think assume the worst, but they will assume. He has changed a lot since I hardly knew him in grade nine. We have both been out of high school (oh, in Canada high school is gr. 9-12) for a year now. He's now a dj in a city, don't know, hours away. In gr. 9 we both had crushes on each other, but he was terrified of girls. Now he's a total player, for lack of better word. Man- slut? It's pretty awesome, because he total is open and it's very interesting to have complete clearance of a guy's brain. I know that some are different, but still. I'm still not sure what he's taught me quite yet. I think I'm still processing it. He's unapologetic, and he's pretty open that, yeah, given the chance he would bone me, but he still talks to me knowing I have a bf. Which doesn't always happen for me. He's the second guy friend I have, not including my bf, who does not count obviously. He hasn't stated that he'd bone me, although he's said that about other girls. He's admitted he's addicted to sex. I asked, as in average 19 year old guy addicted or addicted? He said addicted. High school was a shitty time for him and was full of fake people working only towards popularity and willing to do anything for that. Girls didn't like him until after he graduated, which he found annoying. He tells them what he knows they want to hear.

  He really does not sound like a guy I would be friends with, but he's very interesting. He's smart too. And going through some really shitty times. He works 12-5am. 5:30? which is when i've been talking to him. and works alone. So he hardly sees people. His days off are tuesday and weds. He has no friends in his city. No family. But he loves his job. He never talks to his room mates, they hate that he smokes weed. apparently he's crazy good in bed and girls just want to get with him.

   Anyway, I;ve stayed up late a couple nights in a row talking to him, so I think I should go to bed and read for a bit now :P It's 1:34 here.

FML

i've again brought up all the huge ways my b/fs been a huge selfish asshole. because i am a coward and still seem to love  the guy, i have yet to confront him. aand the sun is rising. yes. also i have no job, make roughly 60 bucks a paycheck and the measly wage i get from child rearing is 3 weeks behind.

[5am]

*wtf? how did i make that little last check?? D:

I miss my Dad!!!

Last night, 
 
   He lives four hours away. And it's so hard to go down there, emotionally, because his 2nd wife is leaving him. and i still don't know why .

 ///
I'm so tired, but i want to be sure i'm exhausted before i go to sleep, no thinking tonight

A thought

 do all boys have the same smile? When they know they've said something they'll get in trouble in, but it was just too good, too funny, not to say it? It's the one where they have their head down, but they're looking up at you and grinning. And i don't mean boys as in young. my father and my boyfriend have it, strangely enough. i like it.

God...

   I feel very awkward in my relationship with 'GOD.' I don't really have one. I was not raised Catholic. Or anything else really. My mother decided to send me to Catholic school when I was in grade two. I'm glad she did. She says she did it so I would know why we celebrate Christmas and Easter really. I think she was maybe hoping I would find faith as well.

    I remember learning about Jesus, it was so funny looking back. I was in total awe, how did I not know of this man before!! It was also a little scary, always, everywhere? One day I realized that it was just another story. I was sorely disappointed. I am not sure when, but I think it was that very year I realized this, at least, to me. I don't know what made me think it was just a story.

Found here, based off of the 'Twisted Trees' found in Sask.

    This is also awkward for me to write, to organize my thoughts without jumping around everywhere.


    My faith shifted all through elementary and through high school. I went to catholic high school until grade 12 as well. But I still love holy places, and still feel that they are holy. Churches, and even the, awh what was it called, at school, where we would pray. The lighting was lovely and it was carpeted everywhere. There were two massive steps. A few lunches me and my friend just lied in there, talking quietly about our faith, what we didn't have, yet how we felt s o m e t h i n g.

     And then this lovely lady came along. I was in grade... 3. I think. She and my dad fell in love. And the bible would call her a witch. She is a reiki and reflexology master. Which means she's a witch doctor hahaha. She talks about the power of stones, of chakras and tarot cards. I'm not so sure about the chakras and some how have gone all this time without a treatment. Okay, that's a lie. For a while there I struggled with the nastiness of plantar warts. anywho. But this one time, i was in sooo much pain. like, i was in tears all of the sudden. she takes off my sock, rubs my foot, and poof! i felt better in two minutes. when my mum picked me up at the door, she asked her if i had any bowel problems. uhh, why yes, yes she does.
    I wanted to feel rock power (ha ha) for a long time, but never could. Last summer she picked up some 'dirty' stones, still having some bad energy in it, that's what it did, took out some sort of bad energy from who ever was wearing it. anyway, she bought it second hand. told us to feel it before she cleaned it. I started feeling a little queasy! I hated that thing!! It was crazy weird. She cleaned it, and it, well, i don't remember how it felt. Another time, she handed me a rock and we were chatting, i looked down, and my hand was so sweaty! The other was fine, my hand wasn't clenched over the rock or anything.

  Anyway. The point is I had a problem with the church condemning a person who healed and helped people. She ran a business in the basement of my dads house (i miss that house) and I would personally see people getting better with her help, no doctors involved.

   It wasn't fire and brimstone kind of school. But it was close enough I guess. Maybe I just have a problem with organized religion you may be thinking? Well. I don't know. I just don't. I don't know if I believe in a One and True God. Or what section of that category I would fall into. Catholic, Muslim, Jewish. I don't know. I've felt things in rocks, in churches, those twisted trees above, which I was not expecting. They gave me a big head rush, like I had stood up too quickly.
I just don't know. But if there is one god, and that god is any of the three i listed, i don't think we are on good terms.

    Not that I'm a big floozy, one sex partner, still around. But we aren't married. I've had some awful thoughts, I've done some mean things. Never killed anything. I just. Like I said, I feel awkward with the concept of God, I think. I would like to believe, to have that kind of faith. It's just not here. Oh, and check this out Qigong Master. Monks can also lower their metabolism 64 percent!! While sleeping, yours only drops 10 or 15. So far, from what I've read, I like monks. Not just because of that, but they do seem way cooler than saints! XD

    Speaking of which, praying to patron saints for help or guidance in a specific field, like travel for a safe journey, sounds a lot like the various Greek gods. Just saying. Really though, when you think about it.

    Karma, that's supposed to be bad too. But God works in mysterious ways. How is it that the idea of karma, not to the next life extent, can not apply?

   For the record, I live in Canada, and Catholic sex ed is very good. I was talking to a friend I made in public school, and if i remember correctly, we actually learn the basics way before them. We learn the anatomy and what not of it in grade five. Fully Alive it's called. I think it was a fine way to learn. We were split up for the first year. In grade 8 we talked about the pros and cons of dating and about gender stereotypes. In highschool there is Teen Aid, and that carries on I thiink until grade 12. I never finished :P Although abstinence is pushed, we were not lied to in anyway, unless you believe all the bible teaches you and that if you abort a baby you probably are going to hell. Speaking of which, that was the one awful thing they did do, the aborting section. They pushed for adoption in the event of teen pregnancy.

     I hope to one day find my faith.

(oh, btw, reiki is healing through energies and reflexology is the idea that every part of your body has a counterpart on your foot. if you hadn't already googled it)