It’s always the little things… My best friend eating the pepperonis off of a piece of pizza just in time for my second piece. The pause and six guitar notes in my favourite song that I close my eyes to every time. And the bowl of noodles and vegetables left on the kitchen counter that tell my mother was playing down the severity of taking my grandma to the hospital.
I'm worried. My grandma has had so many blood transfusions since her first in December, right near Christmas time. I want to say twelve, but fuck that's a lot. I'm feeling scared. They don't know where the blood is going to. They were going to find out but let her out of the hospital 3 days after her double transfusion instead. I was very angry.
It's also my above friend's grad tomorrow.
Sunday, 26 June 2011
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
no i'm not happy.
i'm sad. i just feel gloomy. i don't know where i'm going in life, i'm lost. i'm wasting my days. this is how i feel.
i don't know what i'm going to do, go to my dad's or not, lose my job that i love but make some good memories. a job i only work once a week at.
I'm restless.
I'm sad. My boyfriend disappoints me. i'm just dull. not boring, i'm scuffed and the opposite of shiny.
I'm thinking of taking International Studies. no, i am taking International Studies.
anyway. just fragments.
[my photos]
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Tom
I have a new friend, and he's taught me a lot in the couple nights we've been talking over facebook. A lot of hours though. Like... about 8. He is honest about everything, because why lie about any aspect of yourself when people are just going to assume the worst? is his view. i don't think assume the worst, but they will assume. He has changed a lot since I hardly knew him in grade nine. We have both been out of high school (oh, in Canada high school is gr. 9-12) for a year now. He's now a dj in a city, don't know, hours away. In gr. 9 we both had crushes on each other, but he was terrified of girls. Now he's a total player, for lack of better word. Man- slut? It's pretty awesome, because he total is open and it's very interesting to have complete clearance of a guy's brain. I know that some are different, but still. I'm still not sure what he's taught me quite yet. I think I'm still processing it. He's unapologetic, and he's pretty open that, yeah, given the chance he would bone me, but he still talks to me knowing I have a bf. Which doesn't always happen for me. He's the second guy friend I have, not including my bf, who does not count obviously. He hasn't stated that he'd bone me, although he's said that about other girls. He's admitted he's addicted to sex. I asked, as in average 19 year old guy addicted or addicted? He said addicted. High school was a shitty time for him and was full of fake people working only towards popularity and willing to do anything for that. Girls didn't like him until after he graduated, which he found annoying. He tells them what he knows they want to hear.
He really does not sound like a guy I would be friends with, but he's very interesting. He's smart too. And going through some really shitty times. He works 12-5am. 5:30? which is when i've been talking to him. and works alone. So he hardly sees people. His days off are tuesday and weds. He has no friends in his city. No family. But he loves his job. He never talks to his room mates, they hate that he smokes weed. apparently he's crazy good in bed and girls just want to get with him.
Anyway, I;ve stayed up late a couple nights in a row talking to him, so I think I should go to bed and read for a bit now :P It's 1:34 here.
He really does not sound like a guy I would be friends with, but he's very interesting. He's smart too. And going through some really shitty times. He works 12-5am. 5:30? which is when i've been talking to him. and works alone. So he hardly sees people. His days off are tuesday and weds. He has no friends in his city. No family. But he loves his job. He never talks to his room mates, they hate that he smokes weed. apparently he's crazy good in bed and girls just want to get with him.
Anyway, I;ve stayed up late a couple nights in a row talking to him, so I think I should go to bed and read for a bit now :P It's 1:34 here.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
FML
i've again brought up all the huge ways my b/fs been a huge selfish asshole. because i am a coward and still seem to love the guy, i have yet to confront him. aand the sun is rising. yes. also i have no job, make roughly 60 bucks a paycheck and the measly wage i get from child rearing is 3 weeks behind.
[5am]
*wtf? how did i make that little last check?? D:
[5am]
*wtf? how did i make that little last check?? D:
Monday, 9 May 2011
I miss my Dad!!!
Last night,
He lives four hours away. And it's so hard to go down there, emotionally, because his 2nd wife is leaving him. and i still don't know why .
///
I'm so tired, but i want to be sure i'm exhausted before i go to sleep, no thinking tonight
He lives four hours away. And it's so hard to go down there, emotionally, because his 2nd wife is leaving him. and i still don't know why .
///
I'm so tired, but i want to be sure i'm exhausted before i go to sleep, no thinking tonight
Friday, 6 May 2011
A thought
do all boys have the same smile? When they know they've said something they'll get in trouble in, but it was just too good, too funny, not to say it? It's the one where they have their head down, but they're looking up at you and grinning. And i don't mean boys as in young. my father and my boyfriend have it, strangely enough. i like it.
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
God...
I feel very awkward in my relationship with 'GOD.' I don't really have one. I was not raised Catholic. Or anything else really. My mother decided to send me to Catholic school when I was in grade two. I'm glad she did. She says she did it so I would know why we celebrate Christmas and Easter really. I think she was maybe hoping I would find faith as well.
I remember learning about Jesus, it was so funny looking back. I was in total awe, how did I not know of this man before!! It was also a little scary, always, everywhere? One day I realized that it was just another story. I was sorely disappointed. I am not sure when, but I think it was that very year I realized this, at least, to me. I don't know what made me think it was just a story.
This is also awkward for me to write, to organize my thoughts without jumping around everywhere.
My faith shifted all through elementary and through high school. I went to catholic high school until grade 12 as well. But I still love holy places, and still feel that they are holy. Churches, and even the, awh what was it called, at school, where we would pray. The lighting was lovely and it was carpeted everywhere. There were two massive steps. A few lunches me and my friend just lied in there, talking quietly about our faith, what we didn't have, yet how we felt s o m e t h i n g.
And then this lovely lady came along. I was in grade... 3. I think. She and my dad fell in love. And the bible would call her a witch. She is a reiki and reflexology master. Which means she's a witch doctor hahaha. She talks about the power of stones, of chakras and tarot cards. I'm not so sure about the chakras and some how have gone all this time without a treatment. Okay, that's a lie. For a while there I struggled with the nastiness of plantar warts. anywho. But this one time, i was in sooo much pain. like, i was in tears all of the sudden. she takes off my sock, rubs my foot, and poof! i felt better in two minutes. when my mum picked me up at the door, she asked her if i had any bowel problems. uhh, why yes, yes she does.
I wanted to feel rock power (ha ha) for a long time, but never could. Last summer she picked up some 'dirty' stones, still having some bad energy in it, that's what it did, took out some sort of bad energy from who ever was wearing it. anyway, she bought it second hand. told us to feel it before she cleaned it. I started feeling a little queasy! I hated that thing!! It was crazy weird. She cleaned it, and it, well, i don't remember how it felt. Another time, she handed me a rock and we were chatting, i looked down, and my hand was so sweaty! The other was fine, my hand wasn't clenched over the rock or anything.
Anyway. The point is I had a problem with the church condemning a person who healed and helped people. She ran a business in the basement of my dads house (i miss that house) and I would personally see people getting better with her help, no doctors involved.
It wasn't fire and brimstone kind of school. But it was close enough I guess. Maybe I just have a problem with organized religion you may be thinking? Well. I don't know. I just don't. I don't know if I believe in a One and True God. Or what section of that category I would fall into. Catholic, Muslim, Jewish. I don't know. I've felt things in rocks, in churches, those twisted trees above, which I was not expecting. They gave me a big head rush, like I had stood up too quickly.
I just don't know. But if there is one god, and that god is any of the three i listed, i don't think we are on good terms.
Not that I'm a big floozy, one sex partner, still around. But we aren't married. I've had some awful thoughts, I've done some mean things. Never killed anything. I just. Like I said, I feel awkward with the concept of God, I think. I would like to believe, to have that kind of faith. It's just not here. Oh, and check this out Qigong Master. Monks can also lower their metabolism 64 percent!! While sleeping, yours only drops 10 or 15. So far, from what I've read, I like monks. Not just because of that, but they do seem way cooler than saints! XD
Speaking of which, praying to patron saints for help or guidance in a specific field, like travel for a safe journey, sounds a lot like the various Greek gods. Just saying. Really though, when you think about it.
Karma, that's supposed to be bad too. But God works in mysterious ways. How is it that the idea of karma, not to the next life extent, can not apply?
For the record, I live in Canada, and Catholic sex ed is very good. I was talking to a friend I made in public school, and if i remember correctly, we actually learn the basics way before them. We learn the anatomy and what not of it in grade five. Fully Alive it's called. I think it was a fine way to learn. We were split up for the first year. In grade 8 we talked about the pros and cons of dating and about gender stereotypes. In highschool there is Teen Aid, and that carries on I thiink until grade 12. I never finished :P Although abstinence is pushed, we were not lied to in anyway, unless you believe all the bible teaches you and that if you abort a baby you probably are going to hell. Speaking of which, that was the one awful thing they did do, the aborting section. They pushed for adoption in the event of teen pregnancy.
I hope to one day find my faith.
(oh, btw, reiki is healing through energies and reflexology is the idea that every part of your body has a counterpart on your foot. if you hadn't already googled it)
I remember learning about Jesus, it was so funny looking back. I was in total awe, how did I not know of this man before!! It was also a little scary, always, everywhere? One day I realized that it was just another story. I was sorely disappointed. I am not sure when, but I think it was that very year I realized this, at least, to me. I don't know what made me think it was just a story.
 |
| Found here, based off of the 'Twisted Trees' found in Sask. |
This is also awkward for me to write, to organize my thoughts without jumping around everywhere.
My faith shifted all through elementary and through high school. I went to catholic high school until grade 12 as well. But I still love holy places, and still feel that they are holy. Churches, and even the, awh what was it called, at school, where we would pray. The lighting was lovely and it was carpeted everywhere. There were two massive steps. A few lunches me and my friend just lied in there, talking quietly about our faith, what we didn't have, yet how we felt s o m e t h i n g.
And then this lovely lady came along. I was in grade... 3. I think. She and my dad fell in love. And the bible would call her a witch. She is a reiki and reflexology master. Which means she's a witch doctor hahaha. She talks about the power of stones, of chakras and tarot cards. I'm not so sure about the chakras and some how have gone all this time without a treatment. Okay, that's a lie. For a while there I struggled with the nastiness of plantar warts. anywho. But this one time, i was in sooo much pain. like, i was in tears all of the sudden. she takes off my sock, rubs my foot, and poof! i felt better in two minutes. when my mum picked me up at the door, she asked her if i had any bowel problems. uhh, why yes, yes she does.
I wanted to feel rock power (ha ha) for a long time, but never could. Last summer she picked up some 'dirty' stones, still having some bad energy in it, that's what it did, took out some sort of bad energy from who ever was wearing it. anyway, she bought it second hand. told us to feel it before she cleaned it. I started feeling a little queasy! I hated that thing!! It was crazy weird. She cleaned it, and it, well, i don't remember how it felt. Another time, she handed me a rock and we were chatting, i looked down, and my hand was so sweaty! The other was fine, my hand wasn't clenched over the rock or anything.
Anyway. The point is I had a problem with the church condemning a person who healed and helped people. She ran a business in the basement of my dads house (i miss that house) and I would personally see people getting better with her help, no doctors involved.
It wasn't fire and brimstone kind of school. But it was close enough I guess. Maybe I just have a problem with organized religion you may be thinking? Well. I don't know. I just don't. I don't know if I believe in a One and True God. Or what section of that category I would fall into. Catholic, Muslim, Jewish. I don't know. I've felt things in rocks, in churches, those twisted trees above, which I was not expecting. They gave me a big head rush, like I had stood up too quickly.
I just don't know. But if there is one god, and that god is any of the three i listed, i don't think we are on good terms.
Not that I'm a big floozy, one sex partner, still around. But we aren't married. I've had some awful thoughts, I've done some mean things. Never killed anything. I just. Like I said, I feel awkward with the concept of God, I think. I would like to believe, to have that kind of faith. It's just not here. Oh, and check this out Qigong Master. Monks can also lower their metabolism 64 percent!! While sleeping, yours only drops 10 or 15. So far, from what I've read, I like monks. Not just because of that, but they do seem way cooler than saints! XD
Speaking of which, praying to patron saints for help or guidance in a specific field, like travel for a safe journey, sounds a lot like the various Greek gods. Just saying. Really though, when you think about it.
Karma, that's supposed to be bad too. But God works in mysterious ways. How is it that the idea of karma, not to the next life extent, can not apply?
For the record, I live in Canada, and Catholic sex ed is very good. I was talking to a friend I made in public school, and if i remember correctly, we actually learn the basics way before them. We learn the anatomy and what not of it in grade five. Fully Alive it's called. I think it was a fine way to learn. We were split up for the first year. In grade 8 we talked about the pros and cons of dating and about gender stereotypes. In highschool there is Teen Aid, and that carries on I thiink until grade 12. I never finished :P Although abstinence is pushed, we were not lied to in anyway, unless you believe all the bible teaches you and that if you abort a baby you probably are going to hell. Speaking of which, that was the one awful thing they did do, the aborting section. They pushed for adoption in the event of teen pregnancy.
I hope to one day find my faith.
(oh, btw, reiki is healing through energies and reflexology is the idea that every part of your body has a counterpart on your foot. if you hadn't already googled it)
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Child Rearing.
The joys of sitting. right now i'm watching the most stubborn little girl on the planet. she once sit alone in time out for 2 hours because she wouldn't wipe up jello. she put it there to see if the cat would eat it. the only reason time out ended was because my friend got sick of waiting, set her down in front of the jello, wiped it up (my friend) and said, see how long that took? the little girl flipped shit.
I'm not one of those weird people who like to sit children. I mean my sister, sure. but i love that kid. i mean, if i love them sure. i was just helping out my mum's friend who was in a tough spot. i figured two weeks, maybe a month. no. it's been... god how long has it been? two months. it's only 4 days a week. but, i am getting paid 2 dollars per child per hour. is that really even enough to feed them?! i mean, honestly, that's like a days pay right there. i went to buy them some toys, when i realized that would be a days' pay right there and that they cna keep themselves occupied well enough. besides, there's movies from the library :P anyway. so it's a four year, sorry, almost four year old little girl who's still in pull-ups and her big bro who's 9. it's been a while since that incident and they've warmed up since and like it here now. Myrr, the little girl, actually talks to me and calls me by my name now. Tyn talks too much about video games i could give a shit about. i mean, he;s a nice kid and a really great brother, but i do not care about Need For Speed. Really.
The little girl steals and instead of pee and poo says shit and piss. but that's because of her charming, warm father. I've never met the guy, but i do not like him. he also steals, as does daddy's little girl. he obviously favours her, she states what she wants adn thinks she'll get it. she's only now excusing herself. tells me about her poop. and when her brother is talking and she interrupts, he just stops.
I've got a job interview tomorrow though. and it's not like i could help the woman out and work. it's 4-9. the work i want is 8 hours and not starting at 7. Anyway. i would like to finish watching Mulan, but Myrr wouldn't eat her supper. so i guess i will watch the Hard Times of RJ Berger on my laptop or something.
Also, she used to be mean to my kitten. and talks about shooting things a lot.
I'm not one of those weird people who like to sit children. I mean my sister, sure. but i love that kid. i mean, if i love them sure. i was just helping out my mum's friend who was in a tough spot. i figured two weeks, maybe a month. no. it's been... god how long has it been? two months. it's only 4 days a week. but, i am getting paid 2 dollars per child per hour. is that really even enough to feed them?! i mean, honestly, that's like a days pay right there. i went to buy them some toys, when i realized that would be a days' pay right there and that they cna keep themselves occupied well enough. besides, there's movies from the library :P anyway. so it's a four year, sorry, almost four year old little girl who's still in pull-ups and her big bro who's 9. it's been a while since that incident and they've warmed up since and like it here now. Myrr, the little girl, actually talks to me and calls me by my name now. Tyn talks too much about video games i could give a shit about. i mean, he;s a nice kid and a really great brother, but i do not care about Need For Speed. Really.
The little girl steals and instead of pee and poo says shit and piss. but that's because of her charming, warm father. I've never met the guy, but i do not like him. he also steals, as does daddy's little girl. he obviously favours her, she states what she wants adn thinks she'll get it. she's only now excusing herself. tells me about her poop. and when her brother is talking and she interrupts, he just stops.
I've got a job interview tomorrow though. and it's not like i could help the woman out and work. it's 4-9. the work i want is 8 hours and not starting at 7. Anyway. i would like to finish watching Mulan, but Myrr wouldn't eat her supper. so i guess i will watch the Hard Times of RJ Berger on my laptop or something.
Also, she used to be mean to my kitten. and talks about shooting things a lot.
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
He wants to be a girl
I have a friend who had a friend who wants to be a she. I really don't like this guy and vowed to always call him a him instead of a she, unlike my friend. I'm good friends with her and she's good friends with he. The problem i have with him isn't he wants to be a she. No, it's that our mutual friend is a very close friend of mine. And he was a total ass-hole to her. He would like to be called Vienna. Now, if you're going to pick a name for your .. future? Lol. I would pick a better one than that. That one is obviously
But I'm getting ahead of myself. She, damn, he, is the most self-centered person I have ever met. And I told him so. My friend was betrayed doubly. Now, I'm not sure if I should tell you the details, though she did post it on facebook. Well, how boring would this be. Okay, so her boyfriend cheated on her, with two of her best friends. The thing is, he never tried anything with her... Oh, they all were also pretty drunk. Funny thing is, it wasn't two chicks, but another dude. HAHA. So she was essentially betrayed three fold. And the other dude didn't tell her till after her and her b/f mutually broke up. Seriously, she was trying to get a hold of him to break up, couldn't. Then five minutes later he called her, awkward small talk, he wants to break up. She laughs and says awesome, me too!
So anyway, she's a big mess, texts her 'sister' (cuz they're that close.) that she is going to get fucked up cuz she's so damn upset, stoned and hopefully really drunk and have sex. That she'll talk to her tomorrow. 'She' replies with scolding her. "You know how I feel about drugs and alcohol, don't even talk to me till Monday" so upset blah blah. Doesn't even ask why she's so upset or nothing. Later on talks to her, still doesn't even ask about why she is so upset. I get on the cell to text, bitch her out. Still does (dammit, he!) give a shit. Told her I considered this a fourth betrayal, because now all she has is us two. Still, nope.
I've heard enough in the four years we've been close, to know that all he talks about is himself and how hard it is to be in a hick town wanting to be a chick. The things is, he's not even gay. That part I don't get. He wants to be a chick and bone chicks. AND on his fb profile pic (no i'm not friends with him) he has a nasty teen stash. You'd think he would not want facial hair, nor to show it off like that, even if he's in a hick town.
A) Teen stashes are not cool and especially not manly if you're wanting to fit in.
B) Chicks don't dig them
C) Chicks wanting a chick especially
All he talks about, for the past 4 years I've known about him, (btw he lives a province away) is himself. He only manages to bring her down, even when wanting to hear about her life (oh, you had a good day? *sigh* that must have been nice.........). Oh, you like a guy, that must be nice *SIGH* i wish i had a girl to like. Or wait, didn't he say once it would be nice to have a guy to like? Now I'm confused. Actually, I didn't get the whole, I want to look like a girl but bang girls i hate my body. I think that the guy just really fucking hates himself. Maybe that's just because I really don't like him and he's the only tranny (sorry if that offends, i don't mean it as an insult, that's just what he is) i know. I've known gay guys, but they were okay (as far as i knew) with their body. The one actually seemed to like his hair and dressing up. Like a dude.
Sincerely, after four years, my good friend is getting tired of the same conversation over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again. ECT. Which makes her feel like a bad 'sister' when all she can think is, i know i know, i don't care right now. Because really she's a big softie. So not only does she make her depressed, she makes her feel bad for feeling good, and bad for being sick of this all.
And really, Vienna? That is not a good name (LOL Sorry Viennas!!) To me though, that sounds like a dude picked the name (did your dad name you :P). And he picked it when he was 10 and it was the 70's, and he wanted a classic name. hahah.
I do not like this penis wielding man-child. Because he is a self-centered ass-hole (he would like to bang?).
But I'm getting ahead of myself. She, damn, he, is the most self-centered person I have ever met. And I told him so. My friend was betrayed doubly. Now, I'm not sure if I should tell you the details, though she did post it on facebook. Well, how boring would this be. Okay, so her boyfriend cheated on her, with two of her best friends. The thing is, he never tried anything with her... Oh, they all were also pretty drunk. Funny thing is, it wasn't two chicks, but another dude. HAHA. So she was essentially betrayed three fold. And the other dude didn't tell her till after her and her b/f mutually broke up. Seriously, she was trying to get a hold of him to break up, couldn't. Then five minutes later he called her, awkward small talk, he wants to break up. She laughs and says awesome, me too!
So anyway, she's a big mess, texts her 'sister' (cuz they're that close.) that she is going to get fucked up cuz she's so damn upset, stoned and hopefully really drunk and have sex. That she'll talk to her tomorrow. 'She' replies with scolding her. "You know how I feel about drugs and alcohol, don't even talk to me till Monday" so upset blah blah. Doesn't even ask why she's so upset or nothing. Later on talks to her, still doesn't even ask about why she is so upset. I get on the cell to text, bitch her out. Still does (dammit, he!) give a shit. Told her I considered this a fourth betrayal, because now all she has is us two. Still, nope.
I've heard enough in the four years we've been close, to know that all he talks about is himself and how hard it is to be in a hick town wanting to be a chick. The things is, he's not even gay. That part I don't get. He wants to be a chick and bone chicks. AND on his fb profile pic (no i'm not friends with him) he has a nasty teen stash. You'd think he would not want facial hair, nor to show it off like that, even if he's in a hick town.
A) Teen stashes are not cool and especially not manly if you're wanting to fit in.
B) Chicks don't dig them
C) Chicks wanting a chick especially
All he talks about, for the past 4 years I've known about him, (btw he lives a province away) is himself. He only manages to bring her down, even when wanting to hear about her life (oh, you had a good day? *sigh* that must have been nice.........). Oh, you like a guy, that must be nice *SIGH* i wish i had a girl to like. Or wait, didn't he say once it would be nice to have a guy to like? Now I'm confused. Actually, I didn't get the whole, I want to look like a girl but bang girls i hate my body. I think that the guy just really fucking hates himself. Maybe that's just because I really don't like him and he's the only tranny (sorry if that offends, i don't mean it as an insult, that's just what he is) i know. I've known gay guys, but they were okay (as far as i knew) with their body. The one actually seemed to like his hair and dressing up. Like a dude.
Sincerely, after four years, my good friend is getting tired of the same conversation over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again. ECT. Which makes her feel like a bad 'sister' when all she can think is, i know i know, i don't care right now. Because really she's a big softie. So not only does she make her depressed, she makes her feel bad for feeling good, and bad for being sick of this all.
And really, Vienna? That is not a good name (LOL Sorry Viennas!!) To me though, that sounds like a dude picked the name (did your dad name you :P). And he picked it when he was 10 and it was the 70's, and he wanted a classic name. hahah.
I do not like this penis wielding man-child. Because he is a self-centered ass-hole (he would like to bang?).
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Saturday night
Yesterday was a good day. I was tired all day at work though. I hung out with an old friend Alex(andra). We showed up at my 'best friend' Lou's house. We decided to go to Ruckers, an arcade. We had a good time. I got a plastic dinosaur, an eraser that looks like a blue crayon, a bouncy ball, train whistle and some tiny candies with my tickets. Lou and Alex got fuzzy dice and some other things i forget.
We came back here because my mom was supposed to have been at my grandmas. They let her out because... Well, they really should not have at all, because they still don't know where she is bleeding internally (i mean, where else is this blood going to) But they had a fight and my grandma said something really mean to my mom ("you're just as bad as your father.") just because she was being miserable and sorry for herself. So my mom was home and stoned. yup. She does it occasionally. So she gave us money for food and stayed in her room after talking to me about what had happened. I invited Paul my boyfriend over. We ordered a large cheese pizza and played some Katamari Damacy and then just chilled out talking and joking around.
It was a good time :) After Alex and Lou went home and everyone but me had a nickname, Beast Master for Alex (she's weird and funny), Kitten Master for Paul (Alex came up with everyone's names) for no real reason, and Lou stayed with Captain Majestic, which is also her roller derby name (junior, so no contact, yet). Mine was something about making sandwiches, but i don't like to make them and refused to be everyone's bitch.
By this time, once I laid down i was just tired. Me and Paul snuggled and talked a little for a long time. It was really nice. He stayed late even though he had to work the next morning.
We came back here because my mom was supposed to have been at my grandmas. They let her out because... Well, they really should not have at all, because they still don't know where she is bleeding internally (i mean, where else is this blood going to) But they had a fight and my grandma said something really mean to my mom ("you're just as bad as your father.") just because she was being miserable and sorry for herself. So my mom was home and stoned. yup. She does it occasionally. So she gave us money for food and stayed in her room after talking to me about what had happened. I invited Paul my boyfriend over. We ordered a large cheese pizza and played some Katamari Damacy and then just chilled out talking and joking around.
It was a good time :) After Alex and Lou went home and everyone but me had a nickname, Beast Master for Alex (she's weird and funny), Kitten Master for Paul (Alex came up with everyone's names) for no real reason, and Lou stayed with Captain Majestic, which is also her roller derby name (junior, so no contact, yet). Mine was something about making sandwiches, but i don't like to make them and refused to be everyone's bitch.
By this time, once I laid down i was just tired. Me and Paul snuggled and talked a little for a long time. It was really nice. He stayed late even though he had to work the next morning.
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Grandmother and Wasting time
Sometimes I feel like I'm always throwing it all away. I get overwhelmed sometimes, by choices, responsibilities, expectations, stupid stuff. and my way with dealing with these feelings is to hole up and do nothing. really. like just now, i saw a video and suddenly felt how little i've been using my own nikon camera. how i don't get out there enough, okay, let's be honest, at all. at first it was because the weather has been awful and the kind that i certainly do not like. grey, cold, windy, no sunshine. but now it's been getting nicer out and i still haven't moved. i'll spend an entire day and get absolutely nothing done. i'm talking no video game or reading progress. little to no housework. i look back and am unsure myself what the fuck it is i've been doing all day. basically, any feeling i don't know how to handle, i hole up.
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| my grandma and nephew (there weeks old) |
Speaking of happy feelings, we're going to have to start talking about my grandma. she is not in good health, but me and my mum don't want to put her in my home. here's a bit of my family dynamic. me and my mother are the closest on my mother's side. she is one 9 children my gma had. only 2 are around the province. other are dead or living in british columbia or elsewhere. not a tight knit side. my mom is the good daughter, she goes above, beyond, and then another k(ilometer). she will spend the night, she goes to ever doctors appointment with her, will pick up her stuff, vacuum her apartment, ect. my aunt is kind of rich. she works at the bank and lives at a lake outside of the city. she has lots of nice things, gives her kids nice things, goes to nice restaurant and always tires to look her best. she wouldn't pay for my gma's hearing aid, instead telling her she could pay her back the rest later. she wants to put my gma in a home. my gma loves her apartment and has always been fond of saying the only way she would be leaving it is feet first. as in dead. i also have an older sister, who now has a child. more on her later. gma is in the hospital, and they may not let her back out unless she has somewhere to go, where someone will be. she lives alone. so mom was saying we may have to take turns living there. basically. Her couch sucks. I think I could get used to it though, i can get used to, nad have, lots of things. anyway, so tomorrow we'll have to talk options. there's just no room for her here.
Monday, 18 April 2011
An Introduction
Well, I am now officially yet another blogger among thousands. I'm very young, so I suppose you assume I have nothing interesting to say. Maybe you're right. I've heard I'm a talented writer. But I've come to a point where I hardly do at all. Like, ever. So maybe this will help my poetry. I mainly do that, but my best stuff comes from when I stray from that, to short stories. Anywho.
So I took a year between high school and college, hoping to, I don't know, stumble upon a passion. i wanted to find my passion before going to pursue a degree and some kind of career. How I see it, that would work better, right? But, everyone is expecting me to do really great and get awesome grades. Which I haven't, because I don't apply. Seriously though, i have had some really awful teachers where I learn absolutely NOTHING. So why would I spend time doing work that proves nothing, i learn nothing, why do it? Suppose I;ll have to jump in. I'm just afraid I'm only going to end up spending a whole lot of money that I don't have.
Right, a little off track and longer than I wanted my first post to be, don't want to bore people away on my first post eh heh ^^'. I'm just another 18 year old basically, only less annoying, haha! I have a job at an awesome toy store once a week only, which sucks. I like the owners, I like the customers and making birthday goodie bags. I was supposed to be `helping`my mom`s friend out. It`s been a lot longer than I thought. Four measly bucks an hour for 2 kids. It sucks. I like to be able to give kids back when I`m done with them. Tin is 9, a boy, and Myr is a girl, 3, very close to 4. She`s still in pull-ups. Woo. They both talk all the time haha. They used to be quiet, but now they`re comfortable. But I`ll talk more about them later, if you`re still around. Right now they`re bored and want to go outside.
I have to earn my twenty dollars! Nice to meet you :) hah
So I took a year between high school and college, hoping to, I don't know, stumble upon a passion. i wanted to find my passion before going to pursue a degree and some kind of career. How I see it, that would work better, right? But, everyone is expecting me to do really great and get awesome grades. Which I haven't, because I don't apply. Seriously though, i have had some really awful teachers where I learn absolutely NOTHING. So why would I spend time doing work that proves nothing, i learn nothing, why do it? Suppose I;ll have to jump in. I'm just afraid I'm only going to end up spending a whole lot of money that I don't have.
Right, a little off track and longer than I wanted my first post to be, don't want to bore people away on my first post eh heh ^^'. I'm just another 18 year old basically, only less annoying, haha! I have a job at an awesome toy store once a week only, which sucks. I like the owners, I like the customers and making birthday goodie bags. I was supposed to be `helping`my mom`s friend out. It`s been a lot longer than I thought. Four measly bucks an hour for 2 kids. It sucks. I like to be able to give kids back when I`m done with them. Tin is 9, a boy, and Myr is a girl, 3, very close to 4. She`s still in pull-ups. Woo. They both talk all the time haha. They used to be quiet, but now they`re comfortable. But I`ll talk more about them later, if you`re still around. Right now they`re bored and want to go outside.
I have to earn my twenty dollars! Nice to meet you :) hah
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