Grandmother and Wasting time

    Sometimes I feel like I'm always throwing it all away. I get overwhelmed sometimes, by choices, responsibilities, expectations, stupid stuff. and my way with dealing with these feelings is to hole up and do nothing. really. like just now, i saw a video and suddenly felt how little i've been using my own nikon camera. how i don't get out there enough, okay, let's be honest, at all. at first it was because the weather has been awful and the kind that i certainly do not like. grey, cold, windy, no sunshine. but now it's been getting nicer out and i still haven't moved. i'll spend an entire day and get absolutely nothing done. i'm talking no video game or reading progress. little to no housework. i look back and am unsure myself what the fuck it is i've been doing all day. basically, any feeling i don't know how to handle, i hole up.

my grandma and nephew (there weeks old)

  Speaking of happy feelings, we're going to have to start talking about my grandma. she is not in good health, but me and my mum don't want to put her in my home. here's a bit of my family dynamic. me and my mother are the closest on my mother's side. she is one 9 children my gma had. only 2 are around the province. other are dead or living in british columbia or elsewhere. not a tight knit side. my mom is the good daughter, she goes above, beyond, and then another k(ilometer). she will spend the night, she goes to ever doctors appointment with her, will pick up her stuff, vacuum her apartment, ect. my aunt is kind of rich. she works at the bank and lives at a lake outside of the city. she has lots of nice things, gives her kids nice things, goes to nice restaurant and always tires to look her best. she wouldn't pay for my gma's hearing aid, instead telling her she could pay her back the rest later. she wants to put my gma in a home. my gma loves her apartment and has always been fond of saying the only way she would be leaving it is feet first. as in dead. i also have an older sister, who now has a child. more on her later. gma is in the hospital, and they may not let her back out  unless she has somewhere to go, where someone will be. she lives alone. so mom was saying we may have to take turns living there. basically. Her couch sucks. I think I could get used to it though, i can get used to, nad have, lots of things. anyway, so tomorrow we'll have to talk options. there's just no room for her here.

  Anyway, more later. thanks for reading, if anyone has. :)